Over a Year!

It's been about a year and a half since our lives came shattering out from under our feet. The life of the NICU and memories slowly start to fade a bit but I do have a few memories that sometimes play on repeat in my head.

One of those memories is during the boy's first week of life. Owen was rushed by ambulance to Children's where they started treating him for an infection in his belly and a handful of other things.

I remember getting there and the Dr calling us into a conference room. In that room we were told to get our "affairs" in order because he was a very sick little boy and it will be unlikely that he will survive.

As I write this I cry tears of joy because that little boy is a freaking warrior that has survived so much in his short life thus far. He has a smile that melts your heart. He's always a happy go lucky boy and his laugh is infectious. I'm so unbelievably grateful for him and his fight to survive. He's strong just like his mama!

My second memory that plays on repeat somedays is the last week we had with Elijah. We had been left with a decision on if we wanted to send him into a surgery that could either save him or kill him. Our hearts were being torn apart just thinking about having to decide.

It was the next day when I received the call that he took a turn for the worse and was in acute respiratory distress. He was up and down for a few days then his body started telling us he could no longer handle this anymore. It's a feeling you can't describe losing a child. I miss him and think about him daily. I will forever carrying him in my heart.

Life has been a rollercoaster the last year and a half. I always have people tell me "you're so strong". I do seem to say "I didn't really have a choice" but I do feel stronger after surviving the most traumatic experience of my life. I've survived, I'm strong but I'm also broken. I have good days and bad but I have 2 beautiful children here with me and a loving husband and I'm so thankful for them. The everyday life gets easier but the mental part is a constant struggle. 

I am happy and sad all at once. I'm broken yet strong and I will live my life to the fullest. Don't ever take life for granted, you never know how quickly it can all change within a blink of an eye.